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Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v7.0

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cidjen
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Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v7.0

Post by cidjen » Sun Jan 21, 2018 7:44 pm

Newest version always appears as first post in thread. Previous revisions are reposted as replies.

v7.0 - even more restyling and shortening the TMIs.
v6.0 - attempts at more restyling
v5.51: some more hints from @mistersaxon, thanks! And fixed what Miho tried to do at the shop (walk away) (inline edit, no need for new version) (also zapped a stray comma)
v5.5+ / not warranted new version - proofreading the commas, thanks to @mistersaxon :)
v5.5 : some slight editing, zapping some more TMI.

v5 : add somewheres, remove somewheres, end up shorter. Originally intended to only do up one paragraph, ended up revamping lots more.

v4 : some more condensation, rearrangement, rewording of the occurences at the flat near the end, thanks to iffy!
(also marked now more clearly where the actual writeup begins... looks like if I removed all the extra lines, it would actually condense to less than 1 computer screen of text... but don't want to do a 'wall of text' of it; might actually think of adding the portion where Erika calls Piro in the morning.)

3+ : lost a word 'arrive' when Yutaka and Yuki arrived at MG. Also added thread organisation disclaimer.

v3: attempt at slightly more non-linear compression

v2.5 : reworded the Megagamers 'explosion' as suggested by iffy, thanks!

V2.0+ : changed title as suggested by Sackett, thanks!

v2 : shortened . previous versions will be reposted as replies when new version is finished.

Chapter 11 : Remanence

After being apprehended at the Analog Support Facility, Piro spends the night in detention. Coming back to the flat, he discovers Miho sleeping there.

Miho and Piro talk (and word-fight) about their Endgames relationship that affected him, and current events that led her to be discovered by Yuki and footage of her posted to Internet by Ping. Miho finds out that the footage was posted by Ping

While Piro and Miho talk, Kimiko calls and recaps the events at the CoE, then Largo too, calls Piro from a train he ended on last night with Erika.

Yuki, having left the CoE in a hurry last night, is found sulking in her bedroom by Meimi and receives a phone call from Yutaka.
After Yuki drags Yutaka away from her nosy friends, Yutaka tells Yuki about Miho's appearance at Piro's flat.

Dom threatens Piro in the store to force him to choose a side. Seeing that, Miho decides to 'walk away' from there with Piro. As Yuki arrives, they end up slipping outside through 'safety gaps' or 'story gaps'.

Yuki is spooked by a cosplay mask thrown away by Piro, brings the store front and shelves down on Dom and injures Yutaka

In the bath house Miho attempts to explain, what the problem with her 'situation' really is.
Yuki tows Yutaka in to the same bath house. Yutaka is discovered by Miho as his injuries start to take their toll.

Komugiko arrives at the bath house after Miho calls her, takes Yutaka to hospital and Yuki to school. Komugiko reveals to Miho something she did not know about their Endgames relationship.

Komugiko encounters Largo in her class. In the midst of resulting commotion, Miho and Piro join the class. While passing notes, they are interrupted by Erika. The Horde suddenly starts arriving in large numbers.

Piro attempts to escape with Miho through the window. Miho then attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro, but fails. While the Horde destroys the school, Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the pupils.

Yuki, dressed as Miho, diverts Horde's attention away from Piro. Yuki and Yutaka work to disperse the Horde together.
Ping sees Yuki/Miho speed away, and tries to follow, only stopping after Junko severs her Internet connection.

Kimiko learns of the Megagamers morning devastation, Piro's disappearance and discovers Miho in the flat.
Miho explains her story and what she thinks Piro's fate was, to Kimiko. As Piro unexpectedly comes back to the flat, Miho faints when her heart fails.
Last edited by cidjen on Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:21 am, edited 24 times in total.
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Re: [fan contribution] Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v1

Post by cidjen » Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:58 am

(new versions will be always in the top-post!)
Chapter 11 : Remanence

Piro has been detained by the police in the ASF and after spending the night in detention, is released on bail. Upon return to Megagamers flat, he discovers Miho sleeping on a couch.

Miho recaps to Piro the events of previous evening at the CoE, accusing him of sharing their story with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies any involvement in Yuki's or Kimiko's actions, or knowingly sharing any of their chat logs.

Piro tells Miho his point of view of how they came to have an online relationship, and what he felt when she ended it the way she did; He informs her of photo and video postings on the Interwebz, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho.

Miho finds out that it was Ping, who made the videos and photos. While Piro and Miho have a heated exchange, Kimiko calls Piro's cellphone.

Kimiko recaps her version of events at the CoE, while Miho comes to realize, that the Horde are trying to piece her 'real story' from the photos and videos posted by Ping.

After Piro takes another phone call, this time from Largo and Erika, Miho wants to leave the flat, but Piro tells her to rest for a while, as he is to open up the store in the morning.

Ping attempts to phone Miho while walking to school with Junko, who after last evening events, starts having second thoughts about her suggestion that Ping should post the footage of Miho online.

At the Sonoda residence in the morning, Yutaka calls the home phone, as Yuki does not have a new cellphone yet; His call is intercepted by Masamichi, who tries to scare Yutaka away from his desire to talk to Yuki. Meanwhile Meimi finds Yuki sulking in her bedroom, and tries to comfort her.

When Yutaka's call finally gets passed over to Yuki, he oversees Mami and Asako sneaking up behind him; As Asako exclaims, Yuki ends the call, and moments later pulls Yutaka away from trying to explain himself to Yuki's friends.

Yuki tells Yutaka, that her idea to reunite Piro and Miho is impossible because of the Horde hunting Miho; Yutaka tells Yuki, that after last nights events, Miho unexpectedly has shown up at the Megagamers flat, while Piro was still in detention. Yutaka also reveals, that members of NPC are considering staging an intervention in the name of their idol.

Before Yuki and Yutaka arrive at Megagamers, Piro encounters Dom in the store. Dom states that Piro has a choice, as to which of his girlfriends - the former or the new one - he wants to keep. As Dom exits the store to give Piro time to think about it, Miho descends from the flat and communicates that she needs to leave, and that she can show Piro, what is up with her.

Yuki and Yutaka arrive next to an entrenched position of Yutaka's brother. Yuki steals all the weaponry Dom has, and 'disappears' his van, while Miho tries to enact the 'first option' of disappearing from a scene - acting out of character; Miho soon senses however, that the path through the front door is now impossible.

As Miho drags Piro upstairs, Yuki chases after them, with Yutaka following and Dom being close behind them; An explosion destroys the first floor of the store.

Piro follows Miho through 'safety gaps' between scenes, as she explains the three options of disappearing from a scene available to characters. They emerge at road to a public bath house, not far away from the store, but with no scenario available to link the two places, she explains that no 'normal player' can find them here.

Yuki, with Yutaka in tow, is following them however, from the pile of exploded store debris that has covered and eliminated Dom.

In the bath house, Miho and Piro end up taking the same side to make it easier to talk, with Piro initially sitting at the door of the bathing area, waiting for Miho to conclude her ablutions.

Yutaka and Yuki enter the bath house, with Yutaka's injuries from being towed by Yuki, and from the store explosion, start to take their toll on him.

Miho attempts to explain to Piro, what the problem with her and her story really is.

As they prepare to leave the bath house, Miho discovers Yutaka lying on the floor, covered in bruises; She then prevents Yuki from towing him away again.

Piro gives Yutaka the first aid treatment in the back room of the bath house, while Miho explains why they can not call for help of any character that has no story lines encountering them. At the suggestion of Yuki, Miho calls for help of Komugiko.

Largo, Erika and Junpei start their come back route from Sendai to Tokyo using Junpei's sports car.

When Komugiko arrives, she reveals to Miho a significant part of her and Piro's Endgames story, that happened after Miho has been banned, but Piro never revealed.

When Komugiko is distracted by the presence of Yuki and Yutaka, Miho drags Piro away, to attempt another 'out of character' scenario - this time at school; however Piro refuses to play out a 'creepy gaijin luring out a school girl' scenario.

Komugiko drives Yutaka to hospital, and Yuki to school, whilst trying to explain her side's view of Miho's story.

Komugiko arrives at her biology class and encounters Largo who has been drafted as a substitute.

Miho finds a fitting size of school uniform for Piro, not without reservations on Piro's side due to the way she obtained it; they go to join the class just as more of the Horde starts to emerge.

Miho is surprised to see Largo, Komugiko and Erika in the classroom, and sensing her impending doom, tries to send Piro away; Piro does not comply; While a heated exchange goes on between Largo, Komugiko and Junpei, Miho and Piro are interrupted by Erika while passing notes between each other.

Seeing the path through the class door being blocked, Piro attempts to escape through the window. Komugiko tries to follow them, but the density of the Horde prevents her from reaching them.

Miho then attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro, but the Horde prevents her from successfully taking off and drags her back to the ground. Piro also seems to disappear from view.

As the weight of the Horde starts causing the school building to collapse, Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the classroom. When the school building is flattened, it looks like the Horde has retreated too.

Piro emerges from a pile of debris, battered and bruised, while Yuki, changed into Miho's clothes, attempts to play out an 'I hate you' scenario on him, resulting in the Horde losing interest in Piro.

Yuki then speeds away, while Yutaka participates in setting out Internet disinformation as to where 'Miho' has been sighted, further dispersing the Horde.

Ping sees her speed away, and tries to follow, with Junko trying to stop her. When Ping stops momentarily, Junko severs Ping's Internet connection and comforts Ping, who breaks into tears.

While the pupils, Largo and Erika arrive at the hospital by ambulance, Junpei carries Komugiko in, ninja style.

Kimiko arrives at Megagamers after work, learns from Yanagisawa of this morning's explosion and Piro's disappearance. Kimiko then discovers battered, bruised and distraught Miho in the flat, who has apparently been saved there by Yuki.

Miho explains to Kimiko, how her life relates to the story of Kotone, and that she thinks Piro is dead. Kimiko tries to interrupt Miho's panicking, by abruptly shoving her against the door, causing Miho's heart to stop. Just then Piro shows up having walked back from the school, performs CPR on Miho and asking Kimiko to call an ambulance.

Yuki and Yutaka notice Ping has also gone offline, and believe the chase is now over. Yuki thanks him for his help, while Yutaka stops two words away from confessing his love for her openly. Yuki senses it out however, and uses her power of speed to kiss him, while Ririka and his brother are distracted, watching an anime show beside his hospital bed.
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Re: [fan contribution] Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by Sackett » Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:22 pm

Err... shouldn't these all go in the Fanworks sub-forum?

EDIT: Nevermind, figured out that these are summaries of the actual story, and have been approved.

Can I suggest changing the title of the thread? It was very confusing, as "fan contribution" sounds like a fan work thing.

"Fan Summary" would be a more accurate thread title.

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Re: [fan contribution] Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by iffy » Mon Jan 22, 2018 2:56 pm

It's not so much 'explosion destroys first floor of store', it was Yuki slamming into Yutaka at MG speed ramming him through the shelves wall etc, whatever knocks down part of that part and front of the store, as well as damaging Yutaka. See panels 4-8 of 1312 and panel 1 of 1316

Seems like a good thing to summarize the major plot points of chapters, is putting them here while in process is the best location?

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Re: [fan contribution] Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by cidjen » Mon Jan 22, 2018 3:10 pm

I always thought it was Dom's explosives... Though you are right, why would Dom come close to his explosives... But in effect, if it was Yuki, it was really like something has exploded. As I read further on, I thought it was a 'story lashback' effect, similar to what happened later at the hospital.

Re change of title - will do when am near a desktop computer. Edit: nvm, works on mobile well.

Re why on forum - because ... Well feedback counts, and what better place to get noticed by The Team :)

Also I don't have any local copies. And kinda want it to stay that way.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by iffy » Mon Jan 22, 2018 5:57 pm

The head mask thing of horror and evil bounces down the stairs in 1312 (which we can see lying on the floor in 1316). There was a crash in the front of the store, no boom, no flaming wreckage. No concussive effect, Piro's like what was that noise, Miho's like you don't want to know. (Although apparently she knows why, almost like she expected him to jettison the mask and knew who was going to overreact to it. Conjecture though.) Later in 1316 we see ceiling, shelves, floor, Yutaka wishes Yuki wouldn't do that (the speed thing likely), she runs back to the stairs, etc.

So there's Yutaka on top of some shelves and Dom, who was on the first floor with Y&Y (panel 4 1312 and previous to that) is under those shelves. All apparently on the first floor near the crash from panel 8 1312. Where we also hear (what appears to be) Yuki reacting vocally to Kyubey, either way somebody is yelling/screaming. Perhaps after being surprised and thinking danger and wishing to remove themselves and others of importance from such things.

There aren't many conclusions that can be made, especially given 1312; panel 1 we see the front door and shelves, which we'd seen before, panel 2 Miho/Piro going upstairs from the store to more store upstairs part, Dom in panel 4 following Yutaka/Yuki (see 1311), and a visible lack of destruction of anything but the front of the store in panel 8 1312. Later comics have an apparent lack of destruction from that to anything above the first floor, including when Miho and Piro are gathering costumes and entering gaps soon after and all the way to when Yuki "hides" Miho on the apartment side of things a couple days later.

.

Whatever the place or reasons, such concise yet detailed summaries should live somewhere more broadly available once everyone's had a chance to feedback and edit and what have you.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by cidjen » Mon Jan 22, 2018 6:06 pm

You're right. I'll amend in place (this change only affects 1 paragraph so it does not warrant a new version, IMO).

My goal was to end up with something that would be concise enough to publish on the Story page at MT site, which currently ends on Chapter 9... I hope when the Team concludes it's good enough to get there, they would pick it up :) totally no pressure from me myself, I'm not doing it for fame or anything in return. If they like it, they can publish it, I'll get enough joy from that. But I realize, it may still take a few revisions to get there. (the summaries on Story page, are really concise).
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by cidjen » Mon Jan 22, 2018 6:28 pm

For example, I probably need some inspiration, to break away from the current mostly-chronological structure ... that will allow for more compression for sure. Not entirely sure how to arrive at that point though.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by cidjen » Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:46 am

Let me word it slightly differently...

It'll be entirely up to the team, what they want or don't want to do with these ...

It's not that I don't care - I do, because I took this on and 'something' came out of it - and if these summaries make it to the Story page, it'll be really something ... But realistically, I know right now I can only, hmmm... fantasize about this. And it's fine. I'm fine with that being a fantasy.

Obviously, all who contributed to the final shape, probably want to have the right to voice their own opinion. Mine is as above.

I got plenty of 'teenage kicks' from writing them already, and the feedback. I'd probably get some more creating more concise/compressed revisions.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by iffy » Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:59 am

How much detail depends on how much big picture really, depends on what's appropriate or applicable for the use. A fairly detailed almost plot transcript, a few paragraph summary of important happenings, a few sentence synopsis of plot points, or even a sentence about something important in 10-20 comics.

But getting the first larger more detailed stepwise chronological sort of leads to distilling the rest. Part of the process also includes determining importance, what to leave in or out, what to focus on. Such as something like this for the first parts starting with yours. (And in which Piro and Miho discussing their online chats is lessened or ignored in favor of how she's being tracked down now, the opposite or otherwise also an option of course.)

Piro has been detained by the police in the ASF and after spending the night in detention, is released on bail. Upon return to Megagamers flat, he discovers Miho sleeping on a couch. Miho recaps to Piro the events of previous evening at the CoE, accusing him of sharing their story with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies any involvement in Yuki's or Kimiko's actions, or knowingly sharing any of their chat logs. Piro tells Miho his point of view of how they came to have an online relationship, and what he felt when she ended it the way she did; He informs her of photo and video postings on the Interwebz, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho. Miho finds out that it was Ping, who made the videos and photos. While Piro and Miho have a heated exchange, Kimiko calls Piro's cellphone. Kimiko recaps her version of events at the CoE, while Miho comes to realize, that the Horde are trying to piece her 'real story' from the photos and videos posted by Ping.

Having been detained at the ASF the night earlier, Piro is interrogated and surprisingly bailed out. He monologues on the unfairness on the way back to Megagamers, where he discovers a sleeping Miho. As she wakes they begin a conversation and she accuses him of sharing their story. Piro denies purposely doing this and proclaims he never would. They then discuss what happened online between them during the Endgames times. During this discussion, Miho finds Ping has posted candid photos and videos. As Miho tries to figure things out, Kimiko calls Piro and tells him about the night before. As Piro talks to Kimiko, Miho becomes more and more despondent until working out that she is being "put together" from the posted materials. Miho tells Piro that it is a very bad thing for her, which he essentially gets the wrong ideas about.

Piro is bailed out after being detained at the ASF, and upon arriving at the flat finds a sleeping Miho. Ping calls her and she wakes. Then Miho and Piro argue about their past, during which she learns of the material Ping posted online. Kimiko calls Piro and as they're talking, Miho determines the Ping-materials are why the Otaku were able to find her.

Arriving back at the flat, Piro finds a sleeping Miho. After arguing about a number of things in the past and present, Miho learns about the materials Ping posted, and determines the Otaku are "putting her together" from them.

It turns out Miho is in the apartment, and when Piro gets there they argue, ending in Miho learning why the hordes know about her.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2

Post by cidjen » Tue Jan 23, 2018 7:29 pm

Something along these lines... but looks like I need to let it lay for a while :) thanks for this.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v2.5

Post by cidjen » Thu Jan 25, 2018 8:01 am

v2.5 : reworded the Megagamers 'explosion' as suggested by iffy, thanks!

V2.0+ : changed title as suggested by Sackett, thanks!

v2 : shortened . previous versions will be reposted as replies when new version is finished.

Chapter 11 : Remanence

Piro has been detained by the police in the ASF and after spending the night in detention, is released on bail. Upon return to Megagamers flat, he discovers Miho sleeping on a couch.

Miho accues him of sharing their story with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies any involvement in Yuki's or Kimiko's actions, or knowingly sharing any of their chat logs. Piro informs her of photo and video postings on the Interwebz, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho. Miho finds out that it was Ping, who made the videos and photos.

Kimiko calls and recaps her version of events at the CoE, while Miho comes to realize, what the Horde are trying to do.

Miho wants to leave the flat, but Piro tells her to rest for a while, as he is to open up the store in the morning.

After last nights' events, Junko, starts having second thoughts about her suggestion that Ping should post the footage of Miho online.

At the Sonoda residence in the morning, Yutaka calls the home phone. His call is intercepted by Masamichi, who tries to scare Yutaka away. Meimi finds Yuki sulking in her bedroom, and tries to comfort her.

Yuki tells Yutaka, that her idea to reunite Piro and Miho is impossible because of the Horde hunting Miho; Yutaka tells Yuki, that after last nights events, Miho unexpectedly has shown up at the Megagamers flat, while Piro was still in detention.

Piro encounters Dom in the store. Miho descends from the flat and communicates that she needs to leave.

Yuki and Yutaka arrive next to an entrenched position of Yutaka's brother. Yuki steals all the weaponry Dom has, and 'disappears' his van,. Miho abandons the exit path through the front door.

As Miho drags Piro upstairs, Yuki chases after them, but is unexpectedly spooked off by a head mask thrown off Piro's head; Fleeing in horror at high speed, Yuki plows through some of the store, injures Yutaka and brings the store front down on Dom.

Piro follows Miho through 'safety gaps' between scenes. They emerge on a road to a public bath house nearby.

Yutaka and Yuki enter the bath house, with Yutaka's injuries from being towed by Yuki, and from the store explosion, starting to take their toll on him.

Miho attempts to explain to Piro, what the problem with her and her story really is.

As they prepare to leave the bath house, Miho discovers injured Yutaka. Miho prevents Yuki from towing him away again.

Piro gives Yutaka the first aid treatment in the back room of the bath house. Miho calls for help of Komugiko.

Largo, Erika and Junpei start their come back route from Sendai to Tokyo using Junpei's sports car.

Komugiko reveals to Miho a significant part of her and Piro's Endgames story, that happened after Miho has been banned, but Piro never revealed.

When Komugiko is distracted by the presence of Yuki and Yutaka, Miho drags Piro away, to school. Piro refuses to play out a 'creepy gaijin luring out a school girl' scenario.

Komugiko drives Yutaka to hospital, and Yuki to school, whilst trying to explain her side's view of Miho's story.

Komugiko arrives at her biology class and encounters Largo who has been drafted as a substitute.

Miho and Piro go to join the class just as more of the Horde starts to emerge.

Miho tries to send Piro away; Piro does not comply; Miho and Piro are interrupted by Erika while passing notes between each other.

Piro attempts to escape through the window.
Miho then attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro, but the Horde prevents her from successfully taking off and drags her back to the ground.

The weight of the Horde starts causing the school building to collapse. Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the classroom.

Piro emerges from a pile of debris, battered and bruised, while Yuki, changed into Miho's school clothes, attempts to play out an 'I hate you' scenario, resulting in the Horde losing interest in Piro. Piro punches Largo in the face.

Yuki and Yutaka disperse the Horde with her power of speed and him laying misinformation.

Ping sees her speed away, and tries to follow, with Junko trying to stop her. When Ping stops momentarily, Junko severs Ping's Internet connection and comforts Ping, who breaks into tears.

The pupils, Largo and Erika arrive at the hospital by ambulance, Junpei carries Komugiko in, ninja style.

Kimiko arrives at Megagamers, learns from Yanagisawa of this morning's store devastation and Piro's disappearance. Kimiko discovers battered, bruised and distraught Miho in the flat, saved there by Yuki.

Miho explains to Kimiko, how her life relates to the story of Kotone, and that she thinks Piro is dead. Kimiko shoves her hard against the door, causing Miho's heart to stop. Just then Piro shows up back from the school, performs CPR on Miho, Kimiko calls an ambulance.

Yuki and Yutaka notice Ping has gone offline, and believe the chase is now over. Yuki thanks him for his help.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by iffy » Thu Jan 25, 2018 4:58 pm

Kimiko shoving Miho against the door may have made Miho's anxiety and huffing get much more worse much more fast. Or was just a bit of straw piled up against more and more. But no, Miho has been getting more and more frazzled all day, with The Horde not making anything nearly any better, and being plopped alone in the apartment thinking Piro is dead would have made her even more frantic. It's certainly not a case of 'shove into door' ---> 'cause heart to stop'. It's like saying Miho seeing Piro made her heart stop, it's an even more proximate event to Miho collapsing than what Kimiko did after all. But it's just as much not true. What caused her heart to stop, as related in that chapter as well as earlier ones. Told over time in story. The cause is a lot of things; the situation of Miho's general health, what's been going on all day in chapter 11, combined with the story in general and what Miho is supposed to do specifically. Some of the events are larger (congenital or other chronic conditions, The Horde's actions, Miho's hyper frame of mind in the apartment) and some smaller (seeing The Horde form at the school, telling the Kotone story, getting shoved, seeing Piro alive) but there isn't any one thing to blame.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by cidjen » Thu Jan 25, 2018 6:39 pm

I believe I reworded it ' Miho's heart stops when Kimiko punches her. ' in newest version. Seems fitting without a cause-effect relationship, only by timing... Or is it too strong of a word choice?

(the newest version is always in the first post, previous revisions appear as replies. I understand it may be a tad confusing, sorry)
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by cidjen » Thu Jan 25, 2018 6:55 pm

More thoughts on the concise and compressed summaries...

I understand the need to be descriptive, not literally quoting especially on key events. Need to avoid telling the story because their purpose is to describe the action, not to retell it. Also need to avoid emotional involvement. We still want people to read the story and get emotions from there. Not sure how am I getting on with these 2 goals, but hopefully it's ok and getting better.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by iffy » Fri Jan 26, 2018 3:38 pm

Kimiko does push Miho into a door and Piro does arrive and ask questions. But Kimiko's push doesn't cause Miho's heart to stop in 1406, and the conversation doesn't cause Miho's heart to stop in 1407, and Piro's questions do not cause Miho's heart to stop in 1408. Apparently much stress and a bad heart caused it.

Let's see from the three comics. Kimiko's shove (from 1406 panels 1 and 4, perhaps from 10-20 cm away) is close-by and straight-armed with not much leverage, meant to get Miho's attention, and the force seems to make Miho fall back and hit the door, closing it with a BAM! Note the lack of Miho collapsing from a heart attack at this time. In 1407 Miho's huffing slows down and stops (panel 1 two, panel 2 ?, panel 3 three, panel 4 one, panel 5 none) during the conversation and thinking and emoting, then Piro tries to get into the room in the last panel. In 1408 we have Miho opening the door, Piro looking around, Piro making statements and asking questions, and Miho grabbing her chest and collapsing in the last two panels.

The story has her with a bad heart and demands that she die, but it's seemingly all the very stressful events in Chapter 11 that lead up to it, culminating in the excess stress that in 1408 finalizes it. Apparently. Because as far as anyone knows, the cause of Miho's heart stopping is the story purposely shutting it off.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by cidjen » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:17 am

Right... I think I saw it too much from the protagonist (Kimiko's) POV.
From that perspective, it certainly looks like 'i almost killed her'... Cause she has no idea what was going on.
I'll think of rewording. Thanks ...

This though may be painful because the part about shoving Miho against the door may need to be scrapped from this résumé... As a classic case of TMI.

"Miho explains to Kimiko, how her life relates to the story of Kotone, and what happened to Piro. Kimiko tries to calm Miho down, but when Piro unexpectedly comes back to the flat, Miho's heart fails. Piro performs CPR on Miho, and together with Kimiko they get Miho to the hospital."
Maybe?
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by iffy » Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:14 pm

Right, Kimiko's POV is one thing. There is a cause/effect (the door quickly closing and a huffing that stops) at the time Kimiko pushes Miho. Maybe Kimiko noticed the huffing, but didn't notice it stopped. But in hindsight there's blame and guilt and her sense she 'did something.' Yet still, we know Kimiko is totally out of the loop, and it appears that's not something she realizes then or later. Still, either way, from our vantage point the shove itself doesn't stop Miho's heart, regardless of how much it did or didn't make Miho worse off from it alone.

Yeah something like what you have. A while after Piro's arrival interrupts the Miho/Kimiko conversation, the everything apparently is too much for Miho, who collapses. Piro does CPR and has Kimiko call for an ambulance.

A longer version might be something like: Kimiko goes to the apartment to talk to Piro about Sight, but instead of finding the Piro she expects, she finds a disheveled panicking Miho who believes she has killed Piro. As Kimiko and Miho talk, Kimiko doesn't seem to be taking things seriously, so Miho attempts to tweak Kimiko's naive outlook on "the real story" (and how much the story is a bad hurtful one) by telling Kimiko the true background of what Kimiko and Piro were "trying to bring to life". After the Kotone story, and a yelling Miho telling Kimiko that dying is what happens to the people in her story, Kimiko pushes Miho against the door and questions her about the difference between what happens to who in Miho's story versus Piro's story. At this point, Piro has returned and tries to open the door. Miho opens the door for Piro, who is very confused seeing anyone there, much less both of them. As he quickly tries to make some sense of it all, while also trying to explain, Miho huffs quite a lot and frequently, and then collapses. As Piro begins CPR, he directs a stunned Kimiko to call for an ambulance.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by cidjen » Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:46 pm

See this is the problem... my goal is/originally was to condense to something, that would fit with style of thestory page. So I'm still way, way off... by those standards. Mainly through length. Most effort I've taken is to try to identify where a story 'node' is (when the characters' threads are heading to, converge, entangle, then head off again), and especially in 10,11 and 12... it has to be of certain length and there is no simple escape from that.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v3

Post by cidjen » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:10 pm

Just posted v4 as top-post.
Newest version always appears as first post in thread. Previous revisions are reposted as replies.

3+ : lost a word 'arrive' when Yutaka and Yuki arrived at MG. Also added thread organisation disclaimer.

v3: attempt at slightly more non-linear compression

v2.5 : reworded the Megagamers 'explosion' as suggested by iffy, thanks!

V2.0+ : changed title as suggested by Sackett, thanks!

v2 : shortened . previous versions will be reposted as replies when new version is finished.

Chapter 11 : Remanence

Piro spends the night in detention, and is released on bail. Back in the flat, he discovers Miho sleeping on a couch.

Miho accues him of sharing their story and chat logs with Yuki and Kimiko. Piro denies any involvement in Yuki's or Kimiko's actions. Piro informs her of photo and video postings, that he thought were made by another former boyfriend of Miho. Miho finds out that it was Ping, who made the videos and photos. Miho wants to leave the flat, but Piro tells her to rest for a while, as he is to open up the store in the morning.

Kimiko calls and recaps her version of events at the CoE, while Miho comes to realize, what the Horde are trying to do.

After last nights' events, Junko, starts having second thoughts about her suggestion, that Ping should post the footage of Miho online.

Yutaka calls Yuki's home phone. Masamichi tries to scare Yutaka away. Meimi finds Yuki sulking in her bedroom, and tries to comfort her.
Yuki tells Yutaka, that her idea to reunite Piro and Miho is impossible; Yutaka tells Yuki, that Miho has unexpectedly shown up at the flat, while Piro was still in detention.

Piro encounters Dom in the store. Miho descends from the flat and communicates that she needs to leave.

Yuki and Yutaka arrive at the store entrance. Yuki steals all the Dom's weaponry. Miho abandons the exit path through the front door, and drags Piro upstairs instead. Yuki chases after them, but is spooked off by a head mask; Fleeing at high speed, Yuki destroys the store, injures Yutaka and brings the store front down on Dom.

Piro follows Miho through 'safety gaps' between scenes. They emerge on a road to a public bath house nearby.
Miho attempts to explain to Piro, what the problem with her and her story really is.

Yutaka and Yuki enter the bath house, with Yutaka's injuries from being towed by Yuki, and from the store destruction, starting to take their toll on him.
As Miho and Piro prepare to leave the bath house, Miho discovers injured Yutaka. Miho prevents Yuki from towing him away again.

Piro gives Yutaka the first aid treatment in the back room of the bath house. Miho calls for help of Komugiko.
When Komugiko is distracted by the presence of Yuki and Yutaka, Miho drags Piro away to school.
Komugiko drives Yutaka to hospital, and Yuki to school.

Komugiko encounters Largo in her class, who has been drafted in as a substitute.

Miho and Piro join the class just as more of the Horde starts to emerge.
Miho and Piro are interrupted by Erika while passing notes between each other.

Piro attempts to escape through the window. Miho then attempts to 'get away' embracing Piro, but the Horde drags her back to the ground.
Largo, Junpei and Erika evacuate the classroom, as he school building starts to collapse.

Piro emerges from a pile of debris, while Yuki, changed into Miho's school clothes, attempts to play out an 'I hate you' scenario, resulting in the Horde losing interest in Piro. Piro punches Largo in the face for calling his fantasy 'demented'.

Ping sees her speed away, and tries to follow, with Junko trying to stop her. Junko severs Ping's Internet connection.

Yuki and Yutaka disperse the Horde with her power of speed, and him laying misinformation.

The pupils, Largo, Erika, Junpei and Komugiko all arrive at the hospital.

Kimiko arrives at Megagamers and learns of the store devastation and Piro's disappearance, discovers Miho in the flat.
Miho explains to Kimiko, how her life relates to the story of Kotone, and what happened to Piro. Miho's heart stops when Kimiko punches her. Piro performs CPR on Miho, and together with Kimiko they get Miho to the hospital.

Yuki and Yutaka notice Ping has gone offline, and believe the chase is now over. Yuki thanks him for his help.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v4

Post by iffy » Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:17 pm

Getting it all short and small is a task with so much going on!

Like my failure here at briefly combining two paragraphs of things above that interweave at about the same time. Overlapping times, are an ugh to try and handle.

Miho in clerk guise enters the store from the flat. After Dom gives Piro an ultimatum and is going back outside, Miho tells Piro she needs to leave and wants to demonstrate to him what's up with her, which he agrees to. During this Yuki and Yutaka arrive outside. Yuki steals all Dom's weapons and moves his van. Miho puts a head mask on Piro, quashes the idea of an exit path through the front door, and drags Piro upstairs instead. Yuki and Yutaka go inside, followed by Dom. Yuki chases after Piro and Miho, but is spooked off by the head mask that Piro tossed down the stairs on the way up. Fleeing at MG speed, Yuki destroys part of the first floor of the store and the front of it, during which Yutaka is injured and Dom is buried under wreckage. During the distraction, Miho takes Piro from the undamaged second floor of the store through 'safety gaps' to a bath house.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v4

Post by cidjen » Wed Jan 31, 2018 6:26 am

iffy wrote:
Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:17 pm
[...] After Dom gives Piro an ultimatum [...]
Hmm this is the problem : I don't know how to synthesize and describe what this ultimatum was about, without quoting it exactly. Was it a threat of physical violence/shooting him if he doesn't choose or play indecision ? (as he seems to mention a few seconds before loosing his arsenal to Yuki) In response to what Dom was saying, Miho gave speech that gave the title to the entire chapter (Remanence), so it's obviously an important story point... but the threat is so abstract, that I'd have to carbon copy it to the resume... which is not a Good Thing To Do (tm) ...
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v4

Post by iffy » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:40 pm

In the flow of "things happening" what the ultimatum was isn't so important, it was that Dom told Piro something like 'so and so or else'. However that was supposed to work out with what was going on and who was involved.

For what the demand was, it was basically that Piro select a story path, some exit strategy to the current game, etc. Either choose to stay with Kimiko, or move to Miho for as long as that lasted. That if Piro didn't choose he'd get hurt, seemingly by the bad end to this game of not choosing and just blazing along on the outside or middle of story and plot and hitting story paths that didn't exist or what have you. Figuring that all out is an entire other discussion or few of its own.

A short version is that Dom gives Piro an ultimatum. There doesn't seem to be much need for details, which are more complicated than easily covered contextually; one can go read the 3 or 4 comics covering it. A slightly longer version with some sense of it perceptionally is that Dom tells Piro he needs to choose between Kimiko and Miho in the game that Piro is playing. Which I happen to agree with Miho here, as far as that this isn't a game (not in the way Dom means it, perhaps, who knows what he really means anyway) and that it isn't an either/or situation. Different peopole for different purposes, and not always cross purposes. Also I suppose I agree Miho isn't really a choice, more like a loose end to cut. Or save. or both. Although I'm not totally convinced a Miho is the past Kimiko is the future argument is all that valid either. Yet as I said, those are all other discussions not well-suited for a summary of events.

Whichever way that summary goes, from story here are the conversations and related events in context.

{Dom walks in}
<Hello! Welcome to MegaGame-> Ah! Dom!
Hey Piro. Harem maintenance is a bitch, isn't it?
What?
Y'know, I could've sword you hated harem games. You always leash up hard to the first chick that'll let you talk to her. It's pathetic, but at least it is something you can do.
What are you talking about.
You're not good at this kind of game, Piro. In fact, you suck. Might be time to start thinking about exit strategies. ...because I don't think you'll like the bad end to this game. It's a simple choice, really. Get back in line with your girlfriend, be a good boy and behave yourself... ...or be a bad boy and dump her, joyride this new chick until the next one comes along. Don't worry about your old girl, her fans will help her hate you.
{Piro looks over towards Miho who looks back as Dom continues to speak to Piro}
I really don't care what you do. But it's time to make a choice. I wouldn't want to see you get hurt. Since we're pals, I'll give you a few minutes to emo about it. Ten minutes should be enough.
{Dom walks away then out ~ Miho moves over to Piro}
Are any of your friends not idiots? Like there are any "choices" you have to make. I'm not a "choice", I'm an abandoned path, a little bit of data remanence. Peh. Like that jerk could handle a path like mine. Beehhhhhh.
What are you doing down here?
I have to go. People are starting to figure out that I'm here. You don't have to come with me, but if you do, I'll show you... what's up with me. If you still want to know, that is. ... ... ... OK, that sounded pathetic. Forget it, I really shouldn't show you anyway. I was going to just sneak out, but I can't leave you here to deal with all those idiots by yourself, not to mention that stupid goon, since it's not your-
{Piro is putting on jacket and starting towards front door}
Let's go.
Idiot!! You can't just walk out the door like that!!
Why not?
Don't be stupid.
Oh, right. Dom. Definitely don't feel like explaining this to him. Like it's any of his business.
If you want to walk outside the door without being seen... You have to walk out without them seeing you.
{Piro gets Kyubey mask put on him}
Is that... gunfire I hear out there?
Tempting, but no.

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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v4

Post by cidjen » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:56 pm

So, an ultimatum between making a choice or be gone from this game.

Dom would profit from either choice make Kimiko happy so the game is a success, as I just bought it, or try to rebuild what you had with Miho, then Kimiko out of unhappiness will sign up with Sega? Twisted but omg. Or otherwise Dom will kill you and Kimiko will then sign up with Sega anyway....

So

Dom tries to influence/threaten Piro to make him choose his side, and when Dom gives Piro the time to think about it, Miho leaves the store, taking Piro with her.
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Re: Fan-made Summary - Story - chapter 11 : Remanence v4

Post by iffy » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:07 pm

Dom didn't appear to have a side, or care what Piro decided, and never threatened Piro directly. From the wording, the bad story end Dom thinks it is he thinks is really bad, and he seemed to almost be trying to stop Piro from getting it. There's not much reason to think Dom wasn't still friendly to Piro and Piro is like Oh yeah Dom after. Sort of like Largo fighting Ed, there wasn't animosity.

I don't beleeve the ultimatum meant much of anything, because it didn't happen anyway, and Dom likely is not really correct. And because it wasn't a case of pick one or the other, which Piro apparently hasn't picked either anyway even now. But like I said, I don't think Miho is a choice, any more than one hugs a mountain or has a river fall in love with them or simply walks into Mordor. It's just if he goes along with Kimiko and how that plays out.

Which in a way right now it almost seems there's not any effective difference story-wise between the two, Miho is after all "dead" and Kimiko is "playing" her. Matter of perception though, and not really literal. Unless in Megatokyo when it comes to Analogues, it is literal. But that's perception too isn't it.

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