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[filk] Provisional lover

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darrin
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[filk] Provisional lover

Post by darrin » Sat May 11, 2019 1:06 am

I used this for the lyrics text, and this to try to get a feel for the rhythm. (Mostly iambic tetrameter I guess? :?) In this style I would expect the word to be pronounced roughly "pruhVIZH'nal", so pretty much 2 syllables, and not the four you'd get if you're David Attenborough or something. (Possibly less excusable: in the second 2 lines of the chorus, I fill in a lot of the pauses the original has; and the "double-time" the original has in the last line of the last verse -- "I guess that two can play the game" into two beats -- I use in a few of the previous verses as well.)

-------------------------------

I sit inside an empty room
Just wait and hope you'll be back soon
Then I'll become your provisional lover

I get the door, she's brought you food
You yell at me, which might be rude
If I weren't just a provisional lover

What they made me for is all I'll ever be
(So His voice inside my head keeps telling me)
I am nothing but a plaything for some boy
Who'll get bored with me like any other toy

I see her calling on the phone
She wants to steal what I don't own
Your heart's not bound to a provisional lover

I'll comfort you, it's what I'm for
But you just push me to the floor
No need to treat me kind, your provisional lover

What they made me for is all I'll ever be
(So His voice inside my head keeps telling me)
I am nothing but a plaything for some boy
Who'll get bored with me like any other toy

What they made me for is all I'll ever be
(So His voice inside my head keeps telling me)
I am nothing but a plaything for some boy
Who'll get bored with me like any other toy

What they made me for is all I'll ever be
(So His voice inside my head keeps telling me)
I am nothing but a plaything for some boy
Who'll get bored with me like any other toy

I ease my head up through the door
She holds you close, I leave once more
At daybreak will I be your provisional lover

My heart has states that are discrete
I am all yours or must retreat
Nothing ever in between for provisional lovers
That's just me -- provisional lover
Always be -- provisional lover
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cidjen
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by cidjen » Mon May 13, 2019 1:44 pm

:gomen: this is just to make your post first on the list ;)

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darrin
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by darrin » Mon May 13, 2019 2:55 pm

Dang it, don't get my hopes up like that. It was bad enough my last filk got zero responses, and that this one looks to be heading in the same direction. But even no responses is marginally less depressing than a not-actually-responsive response. :cry:

Times like this I really miss Wavebird_Ocelot...
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My rescripts, now with little bits of commentary for each one

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S1arburst
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by S1arburst » Mon May 13, 2019 11:34 pm

My problem with most filks is that I don't recognize the original song.

That said, I think you captured the tenor of Ping's interactions with Piro fairly well. I found your lyrics somewhat sad and wistful and sweet.
Just call me prissywings

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darrin
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by darrin » Mon May 13, 2019 11:50 pm

S1arburst wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 11:34 pm
My problem with most filks is that I don't recognize the original song.
Ha same here. :lol: On the old forums I once said that the reason I didn't help more in commenting on / criticizing filks was that I was more of a fan of "classical" music than say pop, which generated a bit of ribbing (e.g. Wavebird_Ocelot called me Fraiser Crane :lol:) Which I hadn't meant to be a snobby remark, just that you like what you like so to speak, and it can be hard to objectively evaluate something further from your comfort zone. (Like cidjen's Keane filk in the other thread; I can watch the youtube video enough times to feel like I can give a basic level of criticism, but it's nowhere near enough for me to be really "into" the song enough to understand what the original (let alone the filker) was trying to say.)

Thanks very much for the feedback. :D
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My rescripts, now with little bits of commentary for each one

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Yl33 D4 N00b
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by Yl33 D4 N00b » Tue May 14, 2019 8:15 pm

It's funny, I read the title and the first few lines without looking at your explanation on top, and came up with the same song..... :)

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cidjen
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by cidjen » Wed May 15, 2019 4:20 am

darrin wrote:
Mon May 13, 2019 2:55 pm
Dang it, don't get my hopes up like that. It was bad enough my last filk got zero responses, and that this one looks to be heading in the same direction. But even no responses is marginally less depressing than a not-actually-responsive response. :cry:

Times like this I really miss Wavebird_Ocelot...
Hah, I'm sorryyyy...
Times like these, I wonder, if this forum has the option to enable the 'like' or 'karma' buttons :)

Seriously though, yours is obviously miles ahead and better than mine. I know little of the technical stuff to explain this :)

Which is expected, as I had the spark of imagination to do mine, after seeing yours. It was a spark of the moment and it took about 15 min to write, no refining and nothing... So, all credit to you and all, and no this is not a battle of the filks ;) though now I'm having some more vague ideas of fitting Green Day's 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' or some other 'my era' pop/rock songs into MT universe now :) thanks to you...

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darrin
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Re: [filk] Provisional lover

Post by darrin » Wed May 15, 2019 11:04 am

cidjen wrote:
Wed May 15, 2019 4:20 am
Hah, I'm sorryyyy...
Lol, sorry, please don't take my whiny attention-whoring seriously. :oops: I had just been moping for... wow about a year now, since my last filk, which got zero replies of any kind... :cry: :cry: Which is not healthy of course but I would never claim to be a healthy guy. :roll: I did put a lot more effort into the Hee Haw one but I was hoping Stevie Wonder would be more well known / recognizable, so hopefully that did something this time around.

In all seriousness thanks very much for all feedback, it is greatly appreciated. :D
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My rescripts, now with little bits of commentary for each one

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