Genki Delusions: Kotone's Song (verse), Genki Delusions: Kotone's Song (verse)

[JRandomLurker]

to be read to the tune of this picture:
http://www.megatokyo.com/index.php?strip_id=262



Genki Delusions: Kotone's Song
by: Jon Keim (J.Random)
began 2002 0524

---------------

jiggle my keys, the stupid thing sticks.
a click from the lock, it's the end of the day
breathe out a smile and cast off a sigh
shed care from my shoulders as I cross the doorway
it was just work, just a day on the job
just one more page in this domestic essay
I'm living, I'm making it, I should be happy
so why'm I so tired from making my way?

shuffle the purse from table to closet
flip through the mail, can't have disarray
now water and pot and ramen and stove
mixing the makings of dinner today
pop open the milk-tea I bought at the station
sit in the window for the sun's very last ray.
light leaves the horizon, just skyline remains
a sudden exhaustion makes the room sway.
three minutes 'till dinner, so strange that I'm sleepy
so I think, until then, I'll find someplace to lay

climb into bed and I'm feeling good
the ramen is done so the stove's timer plays
fifteen minutes later, still staring at ceilings
I'm sure all the ramen has boiled away
but I'm too afraid to disturb the moment
my calm resolution, this happy delay.
my countenance cracks, now I feel it coming
and soon my false face has fallen away
pressed into the pillow, wet silent with tears
barely believing this life gone astray
alone, unimportant, I'm no one worth knowing
adrift here in Tokyo, my own castaway
with nothing worth doing, no landmarks to guide me
maintaining existence is mockish display
genki delusions of lives better lived
shroud mine in their shadow, make everything gray

wrenching this sadness back into my heart
this life that's so small, well who is to say
this pain that I'm feeling, this floating and spinning
who says that life never happens this way?
This has to be normal, just too much to bear
for my foolish, weak heart made of paper maché

sit up in my bed, pull my hair from my eyes
the face on the clock reflects my dismay
I had no idea how long I had stayed here
how long my emotions have held me at bay
I'm such an idiot, with half the night wasted
lost to this utterly childish display

clean myself up, eyes are locked on the mirror
I can't quite get this one hair strand to stay
but it's no use to put down it's rebellion
I'm together enough, now head down the hallway
to survey the damage that I've done to dinner
my ramen has practically turned into clay
pot goes in the sink, it's time to start over
takes so little time that it's perfectly okay
boil the water and dump in the noodles
and dinner is only three minutes away
minutes that pass uneventfully now
now sit down in front of this frugal array
and if I'm still sad, well, I'll never know it
extra salt that my ramen will never betray

[JRandomLurker]

Oi has this poem ever been a long time in the making. Slow muse. ^^; Anyway, hope you liked it.

Without meaning to sound *too* overly self-important I'd like to say a couple thanks: A big arigato to Tanetris for editing help. Without his suggestions only the first three stanzas would exist, and poor Kotone would still crying in bed at the end of the poem. Also, I'd like to thank the crossword solver that's built into my PDA's spell-checker. Without the ability to search for "*ay" and "*ey", all that rhyming would've been utterly impossible.

^^;;;

[notyetknown]

is this a poem or a song? yeah, i know that they are the same, butt with songs... you dont really have too rhyme, just flow.

how long did it take too edit your stuff?? im currently having a friedn edit my crap... did you have too switch lines around too help the flow?

[ashi]

Okay, that was really nice.
Nice enough that I just had to go register so I could comment. Been lurking for a long time here.

Keep at it. I look forward to reading more.
todd/ashi

[The False Hoturi]

Wow. Just...Wow. That is amazing, JRandom. Between you and Quinn, I am really tempted to try my hand at a MT poem!

[LocusCosecant]

Great poem, but GOD it's depressing.

[Quinn]

Worth waiting for, JR! Very well done -- well enough done that I'm tempted to try and improve it.* ;-)

- _Quinn

* For instance, the meter demands that the second syllable of "doorway" in the fourth line be stressed, but I say it the other way around. While it doesn't quite match the next line, I think that, for instance, "shed cares from the shoulders they were ready to flay" matches the meter more closely. Also, look for *eigh words for rhymes, too. :-)

[Telliamed]

*SNIFF*

You're a cruel man, JRL. How dare you make me feel so strongly for a girl who isn't real!

There's only one thing I can say to this....

(ref: Brownfields, Greyfields)
Burn my eyes with acrid dust,
Shower my hair with grains of rust.
The deafening shock of hammered steel
Will cover the sobs from what I feel.

These mammoth hearths, these iron looms
Are like the world's industrial womb,
The mother of cities in distant lands.
This is no place for my impotent hands.

What use are you? What have you done?
No cities built! No trophies won!
I apologise. These hands are not to blame,
The fault is their possessor's shame.

That I have been afraid to try,
To spread my wings and dare to fly.
That timidness made me turn and flee,
From life's challenges and cruelty.

And so I began to fade away,
To lose my depth, and turn to grey.
Until I'll simple cease to be,
No fearful girl, no more... me.

So I beg you, though I've kept you ill,
My poor hands, please be my will.
I've created nothing for my name,
It's up to you to make my fame.

To build, to sculpt, to weave, to dance!
To chase that dream! To take that chance!
And while you work at that, could you.
Mend this frail girl, too?


Oh, and by the way, this is my 1,000th post.

[JRandomLurker]

First off, every individaul reply I wrote had "thanks" or "arigato" or something at it's start. So I'm just gonna say thanks everybody! up here to save from repeating myself... ^^; So thanks everbody!

Also, this is a long post, I know. Hope I don't sound too full of it (or something... I'm not really sure what), 'cause I'm just interested in the subject. ;


notyetknown: Techincally it's a poem, not a song. And that's mostly only because I didn't write it with the intention of putting it to music. If I was writing a song, however, there's a good chance I'd make it rhyme like this too, just because I like how that helps the flow along. I *titled* it "Kotone's Song" just 'cause it sounded nice, and because she's supposed to be singing/saying it to herself as the poem progresses... ^^;

If someone *wanted* to write a tune for a piece of mine, I'd be more than honored.

Editing is a sort of ongoing process as I write. Sometimes a poem comes out all in one sitting, which is always fun but doesn't happen very often. More often I just write verse in small chunks as I get the time. Lines in grocery stores and banks are wonderful things, if you've got an easy way to take your work along with you (my PDA, which the stupid company is dropping from it's product lineup. ;_; ). The time it takes to edit any specific line all depends on how well it came out to begin with... ^^; And the lines themselves are hardly concrete things. The important thing is the story. Even though I can usually put lines about where I want them, they get switched around as nessecary to help the overall theme.

Got a link? I'd be curious to see your stuff.


ashi: I'll do my best to deliver. There's nothing so nice as an appreciative audience. Even the quiet ones we never get to see. ^^;


Hoturi: By all means, join in! We've already lost a few of our best scribes, so any chance to pick up another writer! If you want some help with a piece, my profile is chock-full of contact information, and _Quinn would probably be willing to help too.


Locus: Thanks. It's what I was trying to do, write a somewhat depressing poem... A lot of my pieces have a happy ending or get all preachy or whatnot, so I wanted to just try telling a sad little story. ^^;;; Sorry if it affected your too adversely mood, though. ^^;


_Quinn: That's the problem with a *lot* of two-syllable words I could've used, the emphasis is always on the first one...


Telliamed: Girls like this *are* real, I'd imagine. Only problem is, they are by their very natures hard to find. Either hiding entirely or hiding in plain sight... [dumb-455_mode] Now if we could only devise some way to effectively harvest these girls, there would be a nearly endless supply of angst with which to write poetry... [/dumb-455_mode]

Seriously though, it's something I think about a lot... need to be braver, make more friends, help people! Onward, in search of *my* himitsu!. Ok, so I'm slipping into dumb-455_mode again. But there's an important point buried in there somewhere.

And finally, that's a l33t way to spend your 1000th post.

[SimS]

Wow you really did spend quite some time on that piece. The level of involvement paid off quite nicely, good stuff (well in the context that I’m not much of a fan of poetry).

------------------------------------------------
I don’t know… Let me tell you, when noodles burn it isn't all that spectacular.

[Shoka]

JR, tell...that is some very fine imagery and mood verse - both of you. They're a tribute to the drawings that inspired you to create those verses. Gracias.

[Telliamed]

That's "Telliamed."

*ahem*

Shoka, for two weeks, took furlough,
Out on the majestic continental plateau.
And on return from his reprieve,
I glanced up: "Oh, when did you leave?"
But just kidding! We really missed the old fellow.


(ps. JRL, I was anticipating 1k for about two weeks, trying to think up something worthy. Your post left me no question, and I wrote that pretty much on the spot. I was very happy to do it this way; and thanks to you.)

[Shoka]

In reply to:

---

Shoka, for two weeks, took furlough,
Out on the majestic continental plateau.
And on return from his reprieve,
I glanced up: "Oh, when did you leave?"
But just kidding! We really missed the old fellow.

---

Heh. Ever'body's a smartass.

"Of your absence we hadn't a clue,
"But we've missed you, old boy - it is true!"
Well, I've missed you as well,
But now I'm back, tell,
And my aim will most surely improve!

[Chloris]

waiiii!!!! awesome imagery!!! i'm a sucker for poignant imagery in poetry
but yes, very very depressing......made me want to throw myself on my bed and cry too.........*sniff*

[Cryshalo]

Shoka returns with
breath in lungs, surprise, we thought
you had died Shoka!

[vorkon]

In reply to:

---

extra salt that my ramen will never betray

---

Good God, man, that line is just plain brilliant!

The rest of the poem is still outstanding, but that one line just seems to sum up the entire feeling of the thing perfectly.

[ta2dHeathen]

Hmm.

Nicely edited. I like that you didn't leave her crying on the bed, although that was good too.

Yes. That is my coherent and well-worded reply. :-)

[mlamdin]

Glad you linked me from MSN Messanger... that's amazing. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you have loads of talent.

One minor, minor grammar thing: it's should be its in the third line of the last verse.

I wish I had poetry-writing talent, but even if I did... wow.

[JRandomLurker]

SimS: I can't *believe* I forgot to include that quote in my "thanks" post... lemme dig up the original. And I quote:

"I dunno, over-boiled soup doesn't sound too dangerous to me, 'cause I tell you when noodles catch on fire it's not all that spectacular."

That line made my day... ;


Shoka: Thanks, an' glad to here that you're back and that you enjoyed yourself. Write something for us, ne? (and that goes for the rest of you with an inclination toward verse, too)


Telliamed: Glad to be of service. ^^


Chloris, vorkon, and ta2dHeathen: thanks! ^^ (and Chloris, that's a cool .sig line. ^^)


Piro: Oi, if you're out there, how close did my portrayal of Kotone come to the Real Thing? Different people's perceptions are important, but the common denominator between us is still Reality... So I'd be curious to know how how well I guessed.

(I'd also be curious to know if Seraphim reads these things we post, and what she thinks... you said she likes poetry... ;;; )


edit: and thanks, BG. D4mn those apostrophes. ;

[JRandomLurker]

re: ta2dHeathen

[facefault] Oh cripes, Laine, I keep forgetting that's you... It's such a different screen name from your others. Baka^me, and gomen nasai! ^^;;;;;

[Chloris]

heh, just a quickie caus i really liked the depressing mood that JRandom set
oh btw, my sig is from "The Poet's Advice" by John G. Neihardt


and yet, the city still as coldly burns
I never knew the coldness of its light
a thousand lights in neon, green and red
enough to blind the darkness of the night
but all I want is warmth, that I cannot find
this weary life in which nothing seems right
the blankets are cold, I toss them aside
refusing to let tears again blur my sight

step out on the balcony, the city athrobs
with slumbering life, a myriad of light
the strangest feeling comes upon me as though
I'm looking at life from a distant height
what are they doing? why are they here?
anonymous faces, smiling, polite
is there some meaning to life that I'm missing?
or do I just think too much of my plight?

this sudden weakness surprises myself
what is the matter? I was always alright
well not quite alright, but I've learned to ignore
the emptiness that threatens to tear me inside
a cold breeze blows past, I shiver a bit
my nightgown is really too thin for tonight
but I won't stay here long, just long enough to let
the chilly night wind freeze the tears in my sight

[Chloris]

yes, i kno this might go better in the arts and drawing forum, but since it was directly caused by JRandom's poem, i thought it'd make more sense here

[ta2dHeathen]

re:JR

lol...that's alright.

I figured you'd get it eventually. :-)

re:Chloris

That drawing is gorgeous. Really, very beautiful. I'm always in awe of people who can draw like that.

[JRandomLurker]

d00d, my poems are getting fanart! waiwai! ^^;

Seriously, though, that's a sw33t pic. Could I get a bigger version to use as a wallpaper? And m4d props on the poem, too, lots of good phrasing. If that's a quick one, what're your slower ones like? You must come and write again sometime.

[Chloris]

lol, we can get this poem/art thing going.........

of course, after going back and rereading the bit about "green and red" i suddenly realize that kotone is colourblind.........
*bangs head against table*
ARGH!
this is what happens when you're up at 4 in the morning trying to understand general relativity......
ack

anyway, thx for the encouragements ^^
hmmm......freeservers doesnt seem to like me linking files though
does this link work?

http://www.geocities.com/chloris_fg/skbk12.jpg

i think u might have to copy and paste it