Daily Writing Thread, For works in progress you need help with

[Lessa_Winters]

John, I'm sure you are finding it hard to take some fairly serious criticism, but I feel you need to listen to it. I was very much where you are once. I've learned that passion and ideas are not enough. There is a technical skill to writing as well that I ignored because I found it hard to understand. But its the brush strokes you use to paint your picture. You may think what you have done works, but a number of people are telling you that they do not feel they do your idea justice. There is such a thing as incorrect grammar, which is not a subjective issue. Your own work loses out when you don't use the right brush to paint, and right now you are using your fingers.

As for the issues of successfully portraying your ideas: you did not. I get what you were trying to do because, like I've said, I've been somewhere close to there. But Hardaker's point that you could improve this poem is valid. If you don't want to hear that, don't post it to be reviewed, show it off to your mom and your friends. They will say "Oh how wonderful", and pat you on the back. Seems like here you get something more precious: people who can and will help you evaluate your writing with an objective eye. We all fall in love with our work in bits and places. Sometimes you need someone else to let you know something's not working. This is not a criticism of the idea you are trying to convey, or doubt in your ability to achieve it.

Please take another look at what has been said and try to take your personal feelings for the work out of the equation. The fact that you are critiquing Hardaker's critique says to me you have taken it personally. You don't have to agree with everything, but consider everything honestly. You are the only one who will be poorer for ignoring the gift of feedback like this. I've learned a bit from reading the critiques and it's not something I wrote.

Either way, best of luck and keep writing.
-L

[John_234]

If I wasn't looking for critique, I wouldn't post it on here, nor push the issue by asking what my specific issues are....
What bugs me isn't the plethora of issues.

Structuring was a valid point. You have to build a central concept to break down and stylize.
Make the central concept clear or it becomes lost in the text itself, right.
The first two lines were absolutely awkward, I see that.


I just don't think it's necessary to demean someone when you give them criticism, or go so far as declaring that they're abusing the English language.

[Hardaker]

Meh.

Take what I say or leave it. It's your call.

I used the first two sentences as an example. There were other parts of garmmatical issues, but, to be honest, I didn't want to go through and list them. You can read it through yourself and find those, you don't need me for that. Also, the "abuse of English" comment was not entirely based on grammar, it was also about sentence length, structure and the method by which you tried to tell your story (and story was what you were telling). It's not a poem you were writing, it was isolated gobbets of prose from a bad fantasy novel.

You say it yourself, so you don't need it from me. Furthermore, the other abuse of English is hitting the return key after every full-stop. You don't do that in prose any more than you do in poetry. If you want less smugness (though, given my own inability to write any kind of poetry, I'm not sure I can be smug about anyone else's) might I suggest writing.com or, even, locution.com - the former runs the risk of getting no critique at all whilst the latter may be even more in-depth (and definitely more technical) than anything you're likely to get here.

Anyway, apologies if I came across as vehement after that first post (and yes, I was pretty annoyed in that) as it wasn't meant. If you think my pointing out of specific errors, after you asked me to, was demeaning then fine. It's your call after all. I do wonder how you respond(ed) to criticism at school, mind. But, again, you don't have to explain yourself here - it's the internets! I'm an anonymous 'tard for all you know - stop taking me so seriously, no?

[John_234]

I overreacted, I will openly state.

Your advice was common sense and helpful, the attitude irked me. I can't say much else, really.

[Lessa_Winters]

And love and order was restored to the world. Now someone go comment on what I posted.

[steuben]

The monk, Vey, bunched his face, relaxed, and attempted to clear his mind. I heard the demon was spawned by Dakkru, and he lost Dakkru's favor. Vey took a slow deep breath. I heard every soul he sent to her, was a failed attempt to return her eye to him. He sighed and stood up. My mother said he was strong and gentle, but also seemed weary and sad. Vey turned to the door, surrendering on the day's meditation.

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trying it the reverse order. i'm keeping the italics for the moment.