[fanverse] Erika, ... with rhyming!

Eh. You were all so helpful with my attempt at drawing Miho. Thought you might like this latest attempt of mine to be creative, in verse this time. Also, I didn't know what tag to use, but felt that this needed one... so I made one up. Any better ideas, or standards that I am unaware of would be welcomed.

On to the poem!

My lips are laced with the bitter taste
Of all the words left unspoken.
Actions taken, motives mistaken,
And promises another's broken.

Now how I lie, still afraid to cry,
Behind the armour I have built.
They'll see I fail, and see that I'm frail,
Damaged behind the glitter and gilt.

Hide behind rage, let it be my cage,
But pretend that I am still free.
Strive for control, as I lose my soul
To the illusion of what is me.

But will I drown, if the walls come down?
Cracks in the armour appear.
Will I be saved, or again enslaved,
By the power of a single tear?

So that's how I see Erika. Or, more exactly, how I see Erika seeing herself. Comments and crits are welcome, but be gentle. I'm used to having my drawings critiqued, but I'm fairly new to poetry of any sort.

~Zippo

It comes across very well. The imagery seems well chosen. I like it.

Beautiful rhyming and word usage. It seems to really capture the "inner" Erika as well. Well done.

There are two standards for fan-poetry. If this were a parody of an existing poem, something by Whitman or Poe, for instance, it would be [parody]. Since it's an original work, the standard tag is [verse]. That said, [fanverse] works well enough for now.

Okay, with that done, on to the poem itself. As Haldane and AkaiLady have said, the imagery is well done. "Gilt" especially stands out to me, due to the homonym, and you captured Erika's character very well. From a technical standpoint, the poem flows smoothly, and the rhyme scheme was skillfully handled, especially with the internal rhymes (which have always given me trouble in my own works).

As for criticism, I can't really come up with any definite areas for improvement beyond a fanboyish desire that a different character be covered.

My dear Z, you are truly a creative member of our group. I liked your fanverse a lot. I have to defer to Ocelot for written word criticism. I'm much better at commenting on the visuals. But I think he touched on all the salient points. I have nothing more to add. This was a great effort.

I like this line for the same reasons as Ocelot.

I found this poem to be very true to how I see her as well. Bravo Zippo.

Umm... I love the concept, but the fluency needs some work.

I can't name every instance, but it didn't always flow smoothly. It may work when reading it silently, but when spoken aloud, one must pause or quicken the rhythm in order to keep it on the same pace. I shouldn't have to make a conscious effort to maintain the beat.

That said, it's actaully very well done. Keep up the good work, and don't be afraid to totally rearrange a line in regards to keeping the fluidity in check.

This post has been edited by uberlegen on Jun 11 2006, 07:15 PM

That captures the very question I think Erika would be asking herself at the present moment. Well done. But uberlegen is right about the fluidity. However, I do like the rhyming pattern

You're probably tired of hearing about the flow of it by now so I will leave that be. I *love* the imagery! Very evocative and the images it brings to my mind are wonderful. Nice to see you sticking your head outside of SC and sharing your talent with the rest of SD

Nekura

I was surprised to see this on the front page again, but happily so!

About the flow... Yep. Needs work. I'll keep that in mind for the next one (yes, there will be more. Mwa ha!) I have a feeling that that'll come from practice. I haven't actually written a poem since some angsty stuff in high school, so I'm a little rusty. I shall get better, though. Or not. Guess we'll see.

I'm glad that the imagery works well though. That was, quite honestly, what I was the most concerned about. Ever read a poem where you had no idea what was going on, and couldn't identify the point at all? I have, and I didn't want this to be one of them.

Thank-you all very much for responding, and helping this poor would-be poet out.

Aww, geez... you make me sound like a hermit. I come out to play every once in awhile. I just didn't want to make a post until I felt I had something worth sharing. And now that I know what an awesome group of people are mucking about these forums, I'll come out more often.

~Zippo

Aww, geez... you make me sound like a hermit. I come out to play every once in awhile. I just didn't want to make a post until I felt I had something worth sharing. And now that I know what an awesome group of people are mucking about these forums, I'll come out more often.

~Zippo

You're welcome! As a frequent contributor the the haiku and renga threads, and drooling admirer in the fanart threads, I gotta give props to people willing to put themselves out there because art is a piece of ourselves.

As for being a hermit...*looks at relative post count and shrugs* Eh...I'm a social creature and will be till the day I kick the bucket most likely. I'm here and there and a little bit of everywhere.

Nekura