[filk] !Largo in Mourning, can another Circuity tribute be tolered?

[edit] ...well, what a great way to launch mt forum visibility. the subtitle to this post should read "can another Circuity tribute be TOLERATED?" and i managed a typo. swell... [/edit]

although Circuity has since ended and a new chapter begun, perhaps individuals with patience to read through yet another omake musical tribute haven't dwindled to nothingness... this could have been posted much sooner if only the original song hadn't faded from my memory until monday morning en route to work.

much effort was put into making each line's syllable count match their source as closely as possible, though in places this was not possible. it is relatively singable, or at least has proven so after muttering it over and over for two days...

oh, and for [probably unnecessary] clarification, the first mentioning of "only one of you" refers to kimko's Circuity character, while the second references erika's.

!Largo in Mourning
i wasn’t really kidding about pushing back the harsh wind of the winter
we were meeting each other, then our feelings began to grow deeper
there is only one of you, gravely wounded and destitute
and nothing we can do, even you, even you, even you, even you

she bears evidence of your depart, borne away on guilted wings
i can’t accept that you’ve left this place, a journal to fill the space
emptiness i can’t ignore, sinking grieved to the floor
they were witnessing such pain, attempting to cheer me
and hoping you had gone to be near me, knowing such an outcome could not be

a fierce sky, a storm threatens; i plunge outside
rage clouds my mind and makes your face appear in the chill air
accepting fate you left, so i jump—spinning
although you’re not there, perhaps you are aware of how much i care
do you know how much i care for you?
there remain no others in this world

for you i promised to stand against the whirl
now i refuse to hold back one day more
i’ll do what you denied of me befo-o-ore

there is only one of you, since abandoned all those you knew
and nothing we could do to save you, to save you, to save you
to save you, to save you, to save you
…i, too

ooooooooooh…

Artists are Boring – the Kingdom Flying Club
i really wasn't kidding about going to the city for the weekend
we were testing the water and we pulled each other into the deep end
there is only one of you, and i'll accept no substitute
and nothing else will do, only you, only you, only you, only you

i see evidence of you and him, it's scattered all around your room
i wonder if there's an inch of space in this holy place
artists can be such a bore; you deserve so much more
when they're practicing their chords, attempting to rock you
and you just wanted someone to talk to, you were just looking for someone to talk to

that's why i'm thinking 'bout taking a walk outside
i close my eyes and make my love appear out of thin air
maybe i'll turn a corner and go spinning
you'll be standing there, but you're unaware of how much i care
you don't know how much i care for you
there are other dreamers in this world

but i got a feeling you're my kind of girl
so i am not pretending anymore
who in the world would it be fo-o-or?

there is only one of you, and i'll accept no substitute
and nothing else would do, only you, only you, only you
only you, only you, only you
yeah, yeah

ooooooooooh…

This post has been edited by gings on Aug 9 2005, 07:51 PM

We can most certainly accept another Circuity filk. Good fanworks are always welcome.

That said, the reason the response to this filk is so nonexistant is because you've picked an extremely obscure song. When I went looking for it so that I could critique your filk, I found exactly ONE match. I was surprised I found even that, but grateful, because it allowed me to offer you a better response.

In the future, though, you would definitely want to pick a song at least by an artist people have heard of, if not a song that you know gets radio play. It sucks to have to be limited to that, I know, but if the people don't know the music, they won't care about the new lyrics.

Before I talk about the actual filk, you should know that I knew absolutely nothing about this song 9 hours ago and had definitely never heard it before. As a result, some of the problems I have with singing it are undoubtedly due to my unfamiliarity with the music. However, I've been listening to it ever since I acquired it, which has been 7 or so hours now, and I think I've gotten it down close enough to give an educated response to your work.

I really like what you've done here. On the technical side, it seems very close, except in just a few places. You've mentioned that you're aware of this, but I think you shouldn't sacrifice singability for content. In my opinion, singability comes FIRST in a filk. If you can't convey an idea and make it "sing right", then change the idea you're trying to convey. It's not good practice to just say, "Oh well" and ignore the singability, since music really is the soul of the filk. I'm not chastising you, here, I'm simply saying, "careful that you don't let it become a habit."

One of the places I couldn't make the filked lyrics fit the music was at the end of the fouth line, with "knowing such an outcome could not be". I resorted to syllable counting and found that you have 9 syllables while the original has 11. Maybe this was one of those flubs, but it could also be my unfamiliarity with the music. Just wanted to mention it.

You've also chosen to leave in a bit of the original lyrics, in places. I really don't mind it, the way it's done. It's sparse enough to not detract and, in some places, it actually helps, because it lets the audience know what part of the lyric they should be singing when. I mentioned this technique in greater detail in my post in NekuraEtowaru's thread, [filk] Haibane.

Conceptually, I really love what you've done. It's just awesome. I can't really say much more than that. I wish I could; I wish I could break it down and explain to you exactly what it is I like and why, but I can't, for whatever reason. I find myself just gushing approval and positive feelings about your work.

That isn't to say the concept itself isn't in need of some touching up, because it is. The first stanza doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. You start with Largo talking about Erika, then you switch to talking about Kimiko. The only reason for this seems to be so that you can reference Kimiko in stanza two. The sudden, inexplicable shift in subject is jarring and seems contrived.

Another problem I see is line 9, "and hoping you had gone to be near me, knowing such an outcome could not be". We know from line 8 that this line is about the Piro and Kimiko characters. However, I don't think that Piro's character would have been "hoping [Erika] had gone to be near [him]." At that point, he wouldn't have known enough about the situation to be feeling like that, I don't think.

I don't really see the point of line 15 ("there remain no others in this world"), if it means what I think it means. One interpretation leaves me with "there are no more haibane left." If that's true.. what's the point of Largo saying it? So what if there are no more haibane left, he only cared about the one (Erika) anyway. A second interpretation is "there is no one left for me in this world", which is a statement with romantic implications. If that's what you meant, however, then I think I can accept that.

Unfortunately, I just completely don't understand line 18, "i’ll do what you denied of me befo-o-ore". Killing herself is what she denied him? What? I don't get it. Maybe I don't understand the grammar or something. I don't know.

On a positive note, I completely and totally loved the "i, too" at the end, there. Very nice, understated touch.

I'm so completely impressed that, for your first post, you whipped out a filk of this caliber and were brave enough to post it. Bravo. I'm truly sorry your initial post wasn't more well-received, but I sincerely hope this doesn't keep you from posting more in the future. I really hope you don't disappoint me by completely disappearing in a month or two.

without seeming insincere, i would much rather have only one person reply with thoughtful feedback than to receive one hundred "z0mg! you r0x0rz !" responses. thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my work, phydeaux. because of your critique and comments i feel obligated to address a few points, on the off-chance you revisit to receive them.

it is unfortunate the song which inspired me isn't more widely known, yet somehow i couldn't desert the Circuity imagery this kfc number conjured in my head.

regarding the missing syllable in line 9, yes, it is short, but only by one. not that by looking at it alone one could tell. the "be" should be held for two beats, or "be-e," which wasn't indicated and apparently my familiarity with the song kept me from recognizing the error. although it is still off, the flow works well enough to be sung at that point in the song. …wish i could have pulled off something better, but even now nothing is coming to me.

the jumping about from erika and largo to kimiko in the first portion can be explained through the spotty logic that rules my thinking. !largo in mourning follows more or less chronologically with reference to the pages of Circuity. [note: i am forsaking the “!name” format here. you know who i mean.] therefore, mentioned first is largo speaking of pushing back the wind while atop the windmill—apparently alluding to earlier talks/arguments with erika about the feat’s possibility [732]. next came kimiko's injury [733], followed by discovery of erika's day of flight and kimiko's efforts to lessen his pain [735], the final trip up the windmill [738], etc. a rough outline, though…

oh, and you have certainly called me on the carpet over line 8. yes, piro would not have shared in kimiko's wish to soothe largo, but i didn't want to say "she" again and needed another syllable there. if i had to justify it i could say "they" witnessed the pain—the rest of the line speaks of kimiko alone. ...but i really did get stuck there.

you were correct in assuming i took the romance route in line 15; there is no one else, haibane or otherwise, in the world who matters to largo as erika did. the shipper in me revealed itself. heh.

line 18 speaks of ‘doing what was denied of [him] before’ and is a little cryptic in retrospect. largo was not denied killing himself or erika, but rather denied the chance to push back the wind—erika wouldn't let him try. so he does it by jumping into the spinning blades. or rather, he jumps into the spinning blades to attempt to do it in his grief. so i like to think.

as before, i am appreciative for all that you offered and am pleased you found the first mt filk of the first post of the n00b worth surveying. hopefully some of what puzzled or concerned you is clearer, and should i suddenly devise better means of conveying my message i certainly will stop back to polish and massage lines here or there. and about my disappearing…should inspiration strike i will again post whatever evolves.

Thanks for addressing those points for me. For a moment there, I was afraid I'd scare you off and you wouldn't come back to respond. I'm glad to see that wasn't the case.

Now that you've explained some of these things to me, there are less real problems with this piece. The conceptual problems are pretty much my failing, not yours. I'm not very good at deciphering cryptic things and I rely on having those who are more informed tell me what is going on. For instance, line 18 works very well now that I have a clue what's going on.

Please don't feel as if you lacked clarity in your descriptions and imagery. The fault here is mine, not anything you have done. Songs and poetry pretty much rely on the types of description I find impenetrable without resorting to analyzation and conversation. I would hate to see you "dumb down" your work because a member of your audience was too daft to work it out.

Newb. Not "n00b". There's definitely a difference. You're not an idiot, as the latter implies, you're just new.

Don't feel as if you have to limit yourself to fanworks. Feel free to join in discussions here and there as well. Only.. one, two.. *counts* four of us bite, and you've already subdued me, so your odds are looking good.