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Megatokyo Forums > SD Fanworks > [haiku - 1175]

Posted by: mistersaxon Dec 12 2008, 04:10 AM
The heart of the peach
is a stone that shields new life.
Do not eat the stone!

The flesh in all it's sweetness
is now yours. The stone is mine.

Steel makes a weapon.
But who would dare to wield it,
to hold it so hard?

A fool will envy the sword
instead of the swordsman's skill.

If you keep it cold
ice can cut like diamonds.
Yet love will bring heat.

Posted by: Zippo Dec 13 2008, 12:45 AM
That's beautiful saxon.

Except the third line scared me. I dunno why, I'm not really very good with Haikus, but it seems really jarring and sort of out of place.

And thats me being lame and unhelpful. Sorry. sad.gif

~Zippo (who now takes her lameness off to bed.)

Posted by: mistersaxon Dec 13 2008, 05:07 AM
Thx for that c&c Zippo. I know what you mean but "Don't try to eat the stone" has too many syllables. It's meant to be scary though - implies bad things for the peach and the eater - the stone is the bit you don't get.

It could stand without the exclamation mark, too, which would make it a lower key sort of comment, rather than a warning. That might fit, actually - depends if you think Ping would give warnings or not. My 2c is that she would certainly warn someone who was pushing her too far (in a game, for example) before she broke their arm or threw them through a concrete pillar.

And then I mixed my metaphors in the second haiku to reflect on the "Ping is a weapon" discussion. Peach pits aren't made of steel but I was also kind of riffing on the Filk of 1175 (Sweet Ping [is made of steel]) at that point. I loathe the song but the image is good smile.gif

And that led me to Junko, of course, and her envy, and fear, and her defensive shell.

Of course, if you have to explain it then it is traditionally "bad poetry" but hey ho. I could have explained more by adding a final couplet:
"Spring will melt her icy heart.
Ah! But who will bring the spring?"

Too much? I thought so . .

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