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Megatokyo Forums > SD Fanworks > [sonnet] 1097


Posted by: aeolidkitty Mar 11 2008, 07:26 PM
We always have haikus, but my favorite medium of poetry is something else entirely. SO:

This is a portrait of Erika (it switches from bird's eye to inner in the third stanza, at the entrance of Meimi) based on a speculation of some of her thoughts in the first several panels. I wrote it based on Shakespearean sonnets, although my iambic pentameter is slightly off in a few places due to poetic liscence.

Hope you enjoy it!

Megatokyo 1097 Sonnet

She closes phone with snap, her heart-strings tight.
She might have known that he would never show
And that hed have a dumb excuse, dumb fight
Inside his small, dumb mind; dumb, stupid, slow
Why did she always fall for guys like these?
She always got blocked out as quick as sound,
Then watched them drift away just like a breeze
While iron angel wings she wore stayed bound
To gravity. So can you sympathize,
You gentle mother, to the weight in me?
You have a husband; kids. What cold dark lies
Could drag you down or haunt you possibly?

And yet you see through laughter to the cry.

Why do you still believe that I can fly?



*

Posted by: nohbody Mar 11 2008, 08:13 PM
(I don't really have much of a reply, at the moment, but a fanwork in sonnet form is ++win, I think. Hell if I could pull it off, though. tongue.gif )

Posted by: Wavebird_Ocelot Mar 11 2008, 09:45 PM
QUOTE (nohbody)
(I don't really have much of a reply, at the moment, but a fanwork in sonnet form is ++win, I think. Hell if I could pull it off, though.)

Seconded on all points. I've attempted a couple sonnets, and both fell firmly in the "noble failure" category, with an emphasis on the "failure."

The whole thing is beautifully constructed, and there are several strong images. I do have a couple relatively minor critiques, though.

The first part of line 1, "She closes phone with snap," sounds awkward without any articles. I realize changing it to "She closes the phone with a snap" would hurt the meter, and you'd also lose some of the rhythm that gives it a sense of sudden anger or frustration, but the way it is sounds too much like someone just trying to force a line into a meter.

I'm also uncertain of the change from third to first person. The change doesn't seem to accomplish much, and making a few changes myself I feel like the whole piece would be stronger if it were just left entirely in the first person.

Compare:

I close the phone with a snap, my heart-strings tight.
I might have known that he would never show
And that hed have a dumb excuse, dumb fight
Inside his small, dumb mind; dumb, stupid, slow
Why do I always fall for guys like these?
I always get blocked out as quick as sound,
Then watch them drift away just like a breeze
While the iron angel wings I wear stay bound
To gravity. So can you sympathize,
You gentle mother, to the weight in me?
You have a husband; kids. What cold dark lies
Could drag you down or haunt you possibly?

And yet you see through laughter to the cry.
Why do you still believe that I can fly?

Posted by: aeolidkitty Mar 11 2008, 10:34 PM
Thanks for the compliment and especially the critique!

Yeah, the first line was a little weird, but I wasn't really sure how to keep the meter and rythym, so I was hoping it was okay.

As for the transition from third to first -- I debated this for a while, but eventually chose the transition based on the way the strips were laid out. Because I especially liked the bird's eye view approach to Erika, since the comic is based so heavily on images, I wanted the first bit to be descriptive from a third-person point of view, since in MT there is always the third-person observer -- the reader -- who delves into the characters. However, with the entrance of Meimi, I transitioned into Erika's mind because the main analysis in the poem changed from reader-Erika to Erika-Meimi, and so I altered the POV to embody this fundamental shift.

I agree that it works well entirely in the first-person though smile.gif

But I may have to debate with you on the addition of those articles tongue.gif

In general, thank you for the C&C happy.gif

Posted by: Haldane Mar 12 2008, 08:17 AM
Along the Wavebird's idea, you might chnage the first line to
Phone closes with a snap,...

I enjoyed your effort, it was moving.

Posted by: aeolidkitty Mar 12 2008, 10:34 PM
QUOTE (Haldane)
Phone closes with a snap,...


Perfect!

Why didn't I think of that.... the iambs fit beautifully smile.gif

And thank you smile.gif

I'm thinking of trying to do a sonnet for every new strip. You know, in combination with the haikus. I really like that form and it would be a good exercise in character poetry.

Posted by: Wavebird_Ocelot Mar 13 2008, 10:59 AM
QUOTE (aeolidkitty)
I'm thinking of trying to do a sonnet for every new strip.  You know, in combination with the haikus.  I really like that form and it would be a good exercise in character poetry.

The question is whether you can come up with a sonnet good enough to be worth posting for every strip. For that matter, could you come up with a sonnet at all for every strip? It would certainly give a lot of practice, but if you go for it please don't post every single sonnet if they're not all worthy of being posted.

"Aeolidkitty's Sonnet Theatre" may not be a bad idea, though. Maybe post just a handful of sonnets for each chapter?

QUOTE (Haldane)
Along the Wavebird's idea

Argh! That's the second time this week someone's called me "Wavebird."

Abbreviate my name to "Ocelot." O-CE-LOT.

Posted by: aeolidkitty Mar 13 2008, 07:47 PM
QUOTE (Wavebird_Ocelot @ Mar 13 2008 @ 10:59 AM)
"Aeolidkitty's Sonnet Theatre" may not be a bad idea, though. Maybe post just a handful of sonnets for each chapter?


Sure! I normally only think of sonnets for the quieter, more personal ones anyway smile.gif

These crowd scenes get so hectic for quatrains... tongue.gif

Thanks, Ocelot smile.gif

Posted by: mistersaxon Mar 14 2008, 05:18 AM
It's not a sonnet, but there are other classical forms of rhyme I enjoy . .

Erika shuts her phone with a snap
thinking "How does he make up this c**p?"
The ex- Magical Girl
sees her thoughts in a whirl
And then gives her a firm mental slap.

"Your last boyfriend was really a rat.
So, OK, this one can be a prat
but experience shows
that you can't have a rose
without thorns (or horse-s**t come to that!)."

Sorry about the bad language - guess this one's not for Grandma
wink.gif

Posted by: Haldane Mar 14 2008, 12:30 PM
QUOTE (Wavebird_Ocelot @ Mar 13 2008, 12:59 PM)
Argh! That's the second time this week someone's called me "Wavebird."

Abbreviate my name to "Ocelot." O-CE-LOT.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I couldn't remember...............
Forgive me, Please??

Posted by: Ray Kremer Mar 14 2008, 12:42 PM
QUOTE (mistersaxon @ Mar 14 2008, 05:18 AM)
It's not a sonnet, but there are other classical forms of rhyme I enjoy . .

Affectionately known around here as the "Irish haiku"

Which made me laugh at http://limerickdb.com/?33 all the more.

Posted by: Wavebird_Ocelot Mar 15 2008, 12:13 PM
QUOTE (Haldane)
I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!
I couldn't remember...............
Forgive me, Please??

Well, at this point, people getting my name wrong is more of a running joke than anything else for me.

Perhaps I need to make the message in my signature more memorable?

His voice was soft, his manner mild
He seldom lol'd but he often smiled
He'd seen too many forget his name
He never forgot and he never forgave
Perhaps today you took a prod
From Ocelot
The Cheshire_Kitty of Es-dee


QUOTE (Ray Kremer)
Affectionately known around here as the "Irish haiku"

We of Irish descent prefer referring to "Japanese Limericks." wink.gif

QUOTE (mistersaxon)
It's not a sonnet, but there are other classical forms of rhyme I enjoy . .

Nicely done, but you don't need to censor "shit" on this forum, much less "crap."

Hell, you don't even need to censor the F-bomb.

Posted by: aeolidkitty Mar 15 2008, 03:43 PM
Ahh, limericks <3 I laughed quite a bit at those two. And limericks are almost MEANT to be dirty... some of the best ones are.

And Sweeny Todd, too! Looks like I'm not the only rabid musical fan around. Do you like RENT? I had a pet project a while back of filking that entire musical, but I stopped a few songs in because I figured no-one would ever appreciate it. Fun, though.

Cheshire Kitty?

And hopefully you won't seek your vengeance in quite so bloody a way... though feel free to Sondheim people to death wub.gif


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